I havent slept at all tonight and ended up going to the gym to dance, create, and just move. I had to do something. I felt like my heart was going to stop. I cant get rid of my nausea and I cant stop thinking about him. Im trying so hard not to worry. I kept doing my breathing exercises to calm myself down but it wasnt working. I was afraid I would wake everyone up by screaming into my pillow and the only thing I could think of to channel all of this negative energy was to go dance.
I sent him a blank email with just a link to that Jason Mraz song I Wont Give Up and got a very short response about 24 hours later. He said, That song speaks so loudly to me… I wish I knew what he meant by that. I wonder if I will hate him when this is all over. I wonder if we will get through it and live a long and happy life together. My mind kept playing all of these different scenarios of how horribly it could end for me. I wish my thoughts didnt hate me so. This whole experience is just agonizing. His family doesnt even know whats going on with him.
I wish I didnt love him so much right now, because it is literally tearing me apart. I have this constant physical pressure on my heart and it worries me. I cant wait until he finally calls me and I can see him again. I need to see him and be able to just cry out my relief in his arms. I dont know what Ill do if he decides to give up on us. I am terribly afraid that I might just pass out and never wake up. I dont want to live life without him.
I trusted him. I trusted that he loved me as much as I love him. I trusted that he would stay true to that. I trusted my heart and my love to him. I trusted that he would protect it all. I told my family that he was the one. Even worse, I told my dad. Ive never told my dad I was serious about someone. Never. God, I want this to be over. I dont know how much longer I can take it.