Okay, I am officially stressed out.  I usually handle stress just fine and emotionally I’ve been able to, for the most part, not worry too much.  However, my body has figured out what’s going on.  The heart cannot lie to the body.  I have no appetite.  My hair is falling out.  I’m incredibly unmotivated.  And now, I have a nosebleed.  I have never experienced losing hair and I can count the number of nosebleeds I’ve had in my life.  I also love food, and nothing sounds very appetizing.  I know it’s not over yet, and I shouldn’t be this stressed.  I’m trying so hard to stay focused and not worry, and I am usually so good at that.

I guess it’s different when it involves the love of your life.  I love him so much but I don’t know if I should move on or not.  He has hurt me so badly.  I know it has not been intentional, but it still kills me.  I can’t believe it’s only Sunday.  It feels like I haven’t talked to him for over a week, but I gave him the three weeks ultimatum on Thursday.  Time is going to drag on.  I pray he does not take three weeks to call me.  I think that might just send me over the edge.  I might just scream in rage at someone for the first time in my life.  I don’t think he would take that well.  I just don’t see how it makes sense for him to need three weeks to decide if he wants to be with me or not.  I wanted to give him that option, though, because I love him.

I’m a pretty calm person, even when I’m angry.  My friends make fun of me for it.  I have a hard time releasing my anger, which is why I have dreams about it.  I have dreams where I am screaming at the people that have hurt me and wronged me.  It feels so good to release that anger, but I never really do it when I’m awake.  It feels so wrong for me to be in this situation.  I shouldn’t be going through this.  I am so good to the men I date.  (and I do NOT mean I sleep around).  I thought he was the first to finally appreciate and want what I have to offer.  I have to stop thinking that it is over and just let him have the space he needs.  It’s just a crazy feeling being in this limbo and waiting to see if I’m accepted back into his life or not.  I’ve never been in this situation before.

I was browsing around other blogs last night and found someone who posted this Jason Mraz song:

I Won’t Give Up lyrics:
When I look into your eyes
It’s like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
There’s so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you’ve come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?

I won’t give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I’m giving you all my love
I’m still looking up

And when you’re needing your space
To do some navigating
I’ll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find

‘Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We’ve got a lot to learn
God knows we’re worth it
No, I won’t give up

I don’t wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I’m here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you’re still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn’t break, we didn’t burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I’ve got, and what I’m not
And who I am

I won’t give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I’m giving you all my love
I’m still looking up
Still looking up.

I won’t give up on us (no I’m not giving up)
God knows I’m tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)
We’ve got a lot to learn (we’re alive, we are loved)
God knows we’re worth it (and we’re worth it)

I won’t give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I’m giving you all my love
I’m still looking up

This song gave me some peace last night.  I even emailed the link to him in a blank email.  I don’t know if that was okay, but I know he must need some encouragement right now.  The words in bold are the ones that hit me the hardest.  I hope I can still be his friend if things don’t work out.  I don’t want to give up on him.  I just hope he doesn’t want to give up on me either.  For now, I won’t give up on us…

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