a mental catastrophe

The hole in my heart is getting bigger.  Each text message I receive makes me jump in hopes that it is from him.  It feels wrong that he is putting me through this.  I don’t know what I did to deserve it.  He said I was perfect for him.  It’s awful that I have to go places and pretend to be happy.  I had a modeling gig tonight where I had to smile and greet people for an extravagant event.  It felt good to get dressed up and smile for a couple of hours.  They say that the act of smiling releases endorphins that make you happy.  The action of the muscles triggers a signal to the brain for these neurotransmitters to be released.  Endorphin actually means endogenous morphine.  Wow, morphine… go figure.  No wonder he is having such a low.  He doesn’t have his morphine anymore.  *note the sarcasm.

I feel sometimes that I am just a hair away from becoming mentally insane.  I wonder if others experience this.  Each new tragedy and heartache takes me closer and closer to the edge of insanity.  Am I really that unlovable?  Why is it that so many want to be with me, yet I have not found him yet?  At what point am I going to snap?  Do I just stop and stay single to focus on myself and prevent a mental catastrophe? Maybe I have found him, and HE will come around.  I’m so scared that he has cut me too deep for me to come back to him.  I don’t know if his issue is a maturity problem, or if he really doesn’t love me anymore.  He says he loves me, but if he really understood what he was saying, he would be with me and never let go.  He made me so happy and I love him so much.  I could actually see myself having children with him and starting a life with him.  My horrible year last year is beginning to bleed into this year, and I just don’t need that right now.  I desperately need for something to go my way.  I need something positive in my life, and pretending to smile is not it.

I think the only cure for a broken heart is showing it that it can love again.  I want him to come back or I want this three weeks to be over fast so I can move on with my life.  I love him and want to continue loving him, but not if he makes all of his decisions based on emotion… not if he is impulsive like that.  It would not be fair to put myself through this more if this is how things will be with him.  I hate how I have felt so neglected by him the past couple of weeks while he has tried to figure out where his emotions went.  I just wish I knew the answer, because I am miserable.

I hope he learns that making decisions with your feelings just hurts people in the long run.  He told me he loved me too soon and told me he lost feelings without even trying to work through it.  Sitting and moping about losing feelings for a week is NOT working through it.  Continuing the relationship and continuing to make the other person feel loved is working through it.  If going through the motions doesn’t fix the problem, then you really have a problem.

I miss him and want him to come back to me, but I’m afraid that it is already too late.

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