I think I learned to embrace the emotion of sadness today. I attended a funeral of a woman today who has a major part on the production side of a Christmas show I dance in every year. So many things went through my head while sitting in this beautiful Catholic church watching her family and close friends mourn her death. She had cancer. It took her in less than a year. They played a song I knew, which was my only relief. It felt good to feel part of something spiritual again. I gave up going to church a few years ago when I began questioning my beliefs and how I was raised to believe certain things. I don’t question my faith, just how I was taught to go about having that faith.
Anyway, this woman touched so many lives. She served this production with her whole heart as a volunteer. That’s how I knew her. Hearing her husband speak just made my heart break for him. I kept thinking of my love and the situation I am in with him right now. I told him once that I was so sad to be in love with him. When he asked why, I said “it’s because I only get to have about 60 years with you and that just doesn’t seem like enough time.” This couple only got 23 years together and had a beautiful family. I am reminded of the somewhat comical scene out of Enchanted where Amy Adams’ character, Giselle, is so grief-stricken when she encounters a couple going through a divorce. Love to her is something that should last forever, and it is so sad when love is lost no matter the reason. There really is no worse feeling than love lost. And that is exactly what I feel that I am going through right now.
I felt guilty that I was crying at this funeral for both her family and myself. I kept thinking how I wanted him there to hold and console me. I wanted to share this experience with him and create yet another bond with him. It is experiences like that which bring people closer together. Death is a funny thing. It tears people apart while at the same time strengthening them. As I was sitting in the pew unable to make out 80% of what was being said, I realized that I am lucky to be able to feel this emotion of sadness. I am lucky to be able to live and experience life in all of it’s splendor and heartache. This is what it means to be human. We all laugh and we all cry. We get to feel. Death means you no longer get to feel.
I miss him terribly and am walking a very fine line between loving him with all of my being and hating him for putting me through this. I appreciate another opportunity to experience what it is to be human. Humanity is such a precious thing that people forget to enjoy, especially in moments like these. These emotions will just add to my artistic arsenal that I will be able to pull from when need be. I am trying not to worry, though, because stress causes all kinds of issues I do not want to deal with right now. Worrying won’t fix anything, so I am trying my best to set this situation aside where I can pick it back up when the time is right.