Love is not a feeling. It is a choice. I never really understood that until now. I did understand it, but I feel I have a deeper understanding of it as of today. He does not know how to love, and I see that now. He thinks love is simply a good feeling you have towards someone, and it’s a plus if you’re compatible. No, love is when you chose to do everything in your power to make the other person happy regardless of your ever-changing emotions. I chose to love him, because he is everything I want in a man. We have that compatibility, and I also have that unexplainable love feeling towards him. I have had days where I’ve questioned if I made the right choice, but I quickly remind myself that I have based on who we are and how well we go together. Feelings change. Love should not. We all have our days where we aren’t feeling it, and we all mess up, but love never gives up. He is giving up on me. He has three weeks to figure out where his feelings for me went and why they have escaped him.
I think maybe he really doesn’t want me. He wants endorphins. He wants that feeling, that high of feeling “in love.” But he doesn’t want me. At some point you have to decide if you want to devote yourself to another person. You have to decide if it’s worth it to go through life with all of its ups and downs alongside another with all of their ups and downs. If two cannot devote themselves completely and understand that mistakes will be made but you must press on, then they should not be together. I don’t know why I am still single. I don’t know if I can take this anymore. I can’t hurt like this. I’m getting too old, and I’m ready to bring my children into this world. I wonder if I will ever have that opportunity. With every relationship, I try something new, and nothing ever seems to work for me. I wonder sometimes if death would be a better alternative, but then I remember that I am an artist. It is my duty to bring these experiences forth into the world to help others cope with theirs. I am a dancer, and I should be dancing, teaching, performing, learning… No matter what happens, I am an artist, and my duty to society is such.