Love is chaos…

Relationships don’t make sense.  But I’ve realized that nothing really makes sense anyway.  We go about life trying to make sense of a world in which chaos rules and logic does not.  We hang on to those whimsical moments of logic which give us hope, but I don’t understand why we do when they are so far and few in-between.  Perhaps one of the most mysterious concepts in life is that of love.  Love makes the least amount of sense of all.  However, I think it makes more sense the older a person gets, or life experience just teaches you to be comfortable in the chaos and just to expect retarded things to happen.

I am in a position I’ve never been in before.  I am madly in love with a man who is questioning his feelings for me.  It’s always reversed for me.  Since I have decided to keep my identity secret, just know that most men find me quite attractive and interesting.  I don’t have a hard time finding someone to date and I usually end the relationship for whatever reason.  I have also in the past had a tendency to date men who see me as being way out of their league.  Since I made the decision to grow up and date men who might actually turn me down, I find myself in this unfortunate situation.  I took a risk, and it really sucks right now.

He is absolutely perfect for me in every way and things progressed in the relationship just as they should have.  He told me first that he had fallen in love with me and thought I was absolutely perfect.  He says he still cares about me and still loves me, but his feelings are gone, and he is very confused by that.  I’m wondering if this is just a maturity issue for him, because I have been in that situation before.  I have been in love where I lost the feelings.  I decided that this person was the one I wanted to be with at the time, so I pushed through that and the feelings eventually came back.  I think it is natural and human to go through dry spells no matter who you are with.  He has never been through this before, so I understand why he is confused.  My situation was a little different, I’ll admit.  I was with a total douche bag who treated me horribly, so yeah, my feelings went away… but I brought them back, because I wanted to be with him.  He had something about him that I wanted for some stupid reason.  At least I learned from that horrible experience.

I think women learn faster than men that you have to not listen to your feelings sometimes.  We deal with this a lot more than they do, so it makes sense that we would learn this faster.  Some women never learn how to not let their emotions control them.  Those are the crazies men scream about.  I have chosen to not be one of those women.  I have reconditioned my thinking to act not always how I feel but how logic best precedes me.  Feelings are very important, don’t get me wrong, but logic must balance them out.  I keep telling myself to date older men, but I always end up dating guys my age…  Maybe it’s time for a change.  I secretly hope not.

I gave him an ultimatum today.  Normally I wouldn’t do that, because that’s not my style, but I felt it was the right thing to do today.  I told him I was going to give him some space to think about things.  I said, “it took you three days to fall in love with me.  You have three weeks to figure this out or I’m gone.” I just can’t keep putting myself through this.  I’m so sick of being hurt and so tired of wasting time.  I’m not getting any younger and my biological clock really is ticking.  I’m ready for time to slow down…


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