Too Many Passions

I could seriously sit and write 24-7 and still not get all of my thoughts out. It’s frustrating how much goes on in my head that I just don’t have time to get on paper. So, what do I do? I just avoid writing altogether. I really need to stop doing that! As an entrepreneur, I am always coming up with new ideas, and I cannot physically chase them all. The past couple of years have been incredible and also boringly stable. It’s amazing. Instead of writing all the time, I’ve been trying to build businesses to free my husband and I from a life of slaving away for others.

That’s right!

My husband!


After the craziness that was my dating life, he finally found me, chased me, and married me… on St. Patrick’s Day 2016. He is absolutely wonderful. Now, I am pregnant and due this March! A baby boy coming right before our two-year anniversary.

I feel guilty that I haven’t been excited about this. We weren’t trying, and I for some reason thought I would have fertility issues. I wanted to wait until we got into out house first… But, here we are. My belly is huge, our closing date keeps getting pushed back, my body is changing for the worse, and I’m getting the shit kicked out of my insides. It is exciting, but I’m more terrified than I am excited. And, I hate that I may never look good in a bathing suit ever again. I miss my mobility and ballet and not being in pain. I’m concerned that I don’t really have a lot of emotional highs or lows about being pregnant. It’s just happening to me, and I don’t really know what to think. My mom asks if I have developed an emotional attachment to the baby yet, and I’m like, “No, should I?” I’m still trying to wrap my brain around the fact that there’s a human being growing inside of me. A person with his own personality and journey. Maybe that’s just how it is the first time you are pregnant: you spend the whole nine months trying to understand what’s happening to you.

Or maybe I’m just weird.

There are so many women out there who can’t get pregnant and want to, and here I am pregnant, due in two months, and kind of excited about it and really scared. What’s wrong with me? The baby shower is this Saturday, and I hope I can look happy.

I did finally have a mommy moment the other night where I realized that I am about to have a child that I cannot be there for. I will have to work seven days a week, the hubby five days a week, and he will be cared for by his grandmas. It tore me to pieces that I am about to be offered an incredible job opportunity that I have to take instead of be there for this new life that my body is creating who will need me. I am just hoping and praying that my side businesses will pick up and be able to replace the full time job, so I can work part time and be a mommy.

Maybe that’s why I’m not really excited… because I feel I have already failed at being a good mother. How can you even be a mother if you’re never around?

And that brings me back to writing. It’s time to start blogging about my business ventures to drive more traffic to those websites. I need to keep up with this anonymous blog as well, because it’s my personal outlet. This is where I can be honest and keep it real.



Determined to love you forever…

There is a sort of sadness that ensues in the midst of the pure joy you feel when you finally unite with your twin soul. You realize the gravity of that saying “all good things come to an end.”  When you have everything… when you have that fire… you realize that just like the fire that runs its course, so too do the lives of you and your twin flame.

That is the most depressing thought of all.

Finally, Karma was good to me. She finally allowed for us to find one another and experience more love than most people could ever dream of. And one day, she will take that away.  I like to think that a love such as this will never be extinguished; that it will continue to burn beyond death and for all eternity.  However, I don’t know if that’s real or an idea people have to believe in order to keep on living as mortals.

I try so damn hard to live in the present and to just enjoy this indescribable precious thing that I have, but I am constantly reminded that one day, I may not have that anymore. The force which brought us together will decide when we have had our fill and retract. I guess it wasn’t ours to begin with, but why give something so undeniably the greatest thing in the universe and then take it away? How does that even make any sense?

It seems as though the universe finds joy in the greatest of tragedies, or maybe it is only through these tragedies that love like this can exist at all.  Maybe death is what fuels the flame of life and of love.  If that is the case, I have to thank the destruction which allowed me to revel in this intense love for as long as I am privileged to partake of it.

I don’t know how that makes much sense either, but I dread the day that I will pass from this world and leave this love behind. I hope and pray that I can take it along with me or that I will be endowed with another life to find him again.

60 more years with you just doesn’t seam like enough time.  Fuck, a million wouldn’t suffice either.  I need you forever.

My sun

I was destroyed
And then you gave me new life
You re-ignited my flame
That so many others left an ember
I waited so long for you to find me
And your dreams finally materialized
You saw me years ago, and despite your turmoil
Never gave up…
You searched
and were deceived
You perished
and wandered towards the light
You conquered
and were reborn
You embarked on a journey
To find that dream from years ago
To search again
To claim your happiness
And now we are united and our stars have aligned
You are my sun
I am your moon
Soul mates for all of eternity past and future
A love I never thought existed right before my eyes

Well, life is funny…

I didn’t write much last year, because I sort of gave up.  I lost my passion for life and didn’t care anymore that I wasn’t ever going to meet a great guy.  I barely survived my first year of teaching, which destroyed what I thought was a relationship that was going somewhere, so I was pretty miserable at the start of my summer last year.  I somehow managed to win a state pageant, so I am a state beauty pageant titleholder!  That was the highlight of my year.  Well, that and one other thing that I will get to later…

Let me tell you what happens when you are a state beauty pageant titleholder and you give up on finding a great guy… CRAZY SHIT!!!!

I’ll explain. It started with not being able to get over my ex. I found myself in another relationship that I used to get over that one.  I’ve never done that before, and I knew better, but after seven months of being terribly depressed, I figured I needed to start dating again.  BAD IDEA.  They guy was a really good guy, just definitely not a match for me.  He told me he loved me after a week of officially being boyfriend/girlfriend, and my feelings plateaued after that.  I was very excited about him at first, but that died faster than any guy I’ve ever dated.  I ended up having to get on unemployment, because I couldn’t go back to teaching for health reasons, so my summer was consumed with catching up on sleep I never got for nine months of teaching and utter laziness.  I was so lost and unhealthy. I didn’t know what to do.

Then, I went with my mom to her 30 year high school reunion all the way across the country, and randomly met a super sweet guy.  We just clicked, and he was the perfect example of the nice nerdy guys I used to go for.  He was SUPER cute!  BUT, he was all the way on the other side of the country and I had a boyfriend that I wasn’t excited about.  Just my luck: meet a great guy that I can’t date because he’s too far away.

So, I break up with that boyfriend after three months and decide to date a guy I never considered since I met him four years ago.  He had been trying for four years, and I had given up, so I figured, why not?  He’s hot, and I don’t care what kind of person he is at this point. BAD IDEA. Not only was I right on about this guy being a total player, he has SEVERE narcissictic personality disorder.  I started to feel very strung along after about a month, so I called it quits and he FREAKED THE FUCK OUT!  He started contacting my friends and family on Facebook to try to make me look like a crazy person and started posting horrible things about me on his own Facebook wall.  Geez…  I knew he was nuts, but I had NO IDEA.

Then, I meet this chef guy at a charity event.  I had zero interest at first, but we exchanged cards and a couple weeks later he starts pursuing me hardcore.  He said a lot of very fabulous things, which I bought even though I knew better, and we started dating a little.  I should have seen red flags all over him when he would call me like 10 times a day, but I didn’t care to notice the flags because I just didn’t fucking care anymore.  Well, he invites himself over one night to cook me this gourmet dinner, which I thought was pretty cool.  He then got me drunk, which I’ve only been like twice in my life, and took advantage of me.  I can’t claim rape, because it wasn’t, and I’m a fair and honest person, but he definitely took advantage of the situation like scumbags do.  Anyway, I never make such stupid decisions, but like I said, I just didn’t care anymore.  So, I decided to stick with it and see how it panned out, since I made a stupid decision already… He asked me to be his date to the biggest charity ball that exists out here.  Thousands and thousands of people go to this thing.  I was there volunteering for a couple of hours and he had some networking to do.  Well, it’s time for us to meet up, and it takes me quite a while to find him.  The group I was with and I end up chasing him around this huge place for about an hour until I was so pissed I couldn’t take it anymore.  He treated me like absolute shit and abandoned me!!!! He also hung out with another girl all night and never even got one photo with me, HIS DATE!  He was so rude and so ungentlemanlike, I was shocked.  Who seriously asks Miss _______ to be his date and then abandons her at an event!!!!  Forget the title, who does that to any girl???

So, here I am wondering what the hell his problem is after giving him a chance when he really had none to begin with.  I gave him the benefit of a doubt when he told me about his business and owning restaurants all over the world.  I didn’t realize that there are people who tell such EXTRAVIGANT LIES because they really have nothing and still live with their parents at 35 years old. Geez… What a crazy bastard.  So much shit came out about him after that evening.  I haven’t spoken to him since other than texting.  I told him he lost me as a romantic partner and friend.  He seriously tried to apologize via text!  And, only after I called him out on it and backed him into a corner! Fecking asshole!  Apparently, this is what he does to women.  He always goes after what he can’t have, or he goes for women with incredibly low self-esteem, uses them, and then screws them over big time.  He doesn’t own any restaurants other than a catering company, which isn’t doing well because he’s such a terrible person. The only review he has for his company is a review he posted himself talking about how wonderful he is. BAHAHAHAHA! #classic

Then… are you ready for this? …

I met the most amazing man on the planet.

Seriously, he’s the one. I can feel it.

I gave up, and then he appeared.  Isn’t that how it always happens to people?  They say when you know, you just know. And that’s how I always knew I was with the wrong person. I never just knew, ya know? haha… I digress.  This man is the sweetest guy I’ve ever met and kind of reminds me of the guy I met all the way across the country last summer.  Very attractive, but not in a man-whore way, but in a very sweet and cute way.  He has ignited a fire in me that other men have slowly been extinguishing over the years, and I feel like I am flying.  My passions have returned.  I’m writing again, dancing again, working on my spirituality again, learning meditation, and just being happy again.

I also landed my dream job.  It’s a pay cut, but I am so much happier and less stressed.  I am finally excited about life again, and I hope you all find your happiness and passion for life this year!

Some Clarity

I had a good talk with my dad last night. First of all, let me start by saying how amazingly lucky my mom is to have my dad. My goal is to find a man who possesses the qualities that my dad has. He’s not perfect, as no one is, but he’s pretty darn awesome.

I told him about a talk I had with my boyfriend last weekend. I told my bf that I didn’t fed pursued anymore. Instead of really listening and asking why, he said,”Well other than doing dishes sometimes, what do you contribute to the relationship?”He wanted to talk about his side before even letting me finish. I told him I wanted to hear what he had to say because that’s why I started the conversation. His harsh question threw me way off so I didn’t know how to respond. I just don’t think that way. I do so much for him that he apparently does not see. I also let him know that I needed him to be more affectionate. My dad said that I shouldn’t have to tell him to be more affectionate this early in the relationship. I agree. My dad also thinks his question to me presents some other issues he has which may cause him to resent me eventually. Yikes! my dad also said that it seems like I’m a roommate and not a girlfriend. That’s exactly how it feels.

So, I didn’t hear from him when I was out of town because he was upset that I didn’t do anything for his birthday. It was a big miscommunication that we talked about when I got back, but he should have said something the week before. We could have talked on the phone and cleared it up rather than me being upset and feeling ignored all week!

I’ve been trying to figure out what the main issue is because I don’t want to have a discussion with him where I can’t explain myself. I don’t know exactly why, but I don’t feel special to him. I don’t feel that he is excited about me, but maybe I just don’t see it? Maybe he expresses things differently than I do? I can’t say that he’s not trying but showing more affection on his part doesn’t feel real to me. I’m sure it’s genuine. I dunno. Something is just missing, and I don’t know what it is.

We had a couple of fun goofy nights last week, because I seriously just took a “fuck it” attitude and was not afraid to just be my silly goofy self. We actually came up with an inside joke!

Maybe I’m feeling trapped. Yeah I think that’s part of it. He moved so fast with saying I love you and taking about marriage, and I’m not there yet. I need to talk to him today but I don’t know exactly what to say. My dad thinks we should take a break, and if he doesn’t understand, then I have my answer.

Le Sigh

Alright, so it’s been about 4 months since we met and I’m having serious doubts. I was so excited about him at first because this super hot guy was so excited about me! He said and did everything right until…

He got me. Why is it that guys give up when they think they have won the game? I’ve also obviously learned so much more about him that I didn’t know before and I’m just so unsure about him now. I am at his place all the time and find myself missing my alone time with my dog at my apartment. That’s not good! He talks about money a lot and he loves to gamble. I absolutely hate gambling. He always talks about wanting to save money for his house projects and not wanting to spend money, but he will go chance losing $1000 rather than take me out. We go to movies sometimes or bowling with his friends. I don’t feel that I can (or should have to) ask him to take me out because he is always talking about how he doesn’t want to spend money! He tells me he loves me but I feel like I’ve become so boring. He thanks me when I help him around the house but I wonder if I’m doing too much and he’s starting to just expect it. I really need to talk to him about how I am feeling.

I went out of town for a week and barely heard a word from him. Had I not sent him a few texts, I don’t think I would have heard anything. There were actually two days where I decided not to text him to see what he would do, and I didn’t hear from him at all! He doesn’t seem to be as good at conversation as he used to be but I wonder if my hearing is a reason. I wonder if my hearing is why our humor doesn’t seem compatible. And, he’s not very affectionate! He never passionately kisses me just because. He tells me he loves me but I don’t feel it. I don’t laugh as much as I thought I would and we don’t really talk about anything deep. We do work around his house, cook, and watch TV. We don’t seem to just naturally have fun together.

I am a state beauty pageant title holder so I have a lot of events I attend regularly. He is usually working and cannot attend, but he doesn’t seem to want to fight traffic when he can go. there was one time when it really didn’t make sense for him to go, but I dunno. My life just seems so unimportant right now and I’m sure a lot of this is just me. I’m going through a lot of changes right now since my hearing got worse.

I want to be with someone who is always so excited to see me. Someone who thinks I’m so adorable with my hair in rollers and in my glasses with no makeup. Someone who not only appreciates me but cherishes me, Someone who will look into my eyes on occasion and tell me how much I mean to them and kiss me like they mean it. Someone who won’t ever let me stop dancing.

Maybe I’m just too picky and I’ll never be happy.

Taken Again

It’s just one viscous cycle isn’t it?  Single, taken, single, taken, single, and hopefully taken until death do us part.  Getting over the last one did a number on me, and honestly, I’m not still completely over it, but last time I felt that way, it took eight years to completely heal, and I don’t have that kind of time anymore.  I was so bloody miserable for about seven months that I just had to start dating again to convince myself that there was hope for me.  I didn’t think I would meet anyone, really I didn’t.  So, I tried online dating again. hahaha silly me, I know!  Anyway, now that I’ve had a few go-rounds with the online dating world, I felt I could handle it like a pro this time.  I had one major issue, but I bounced back from it pretty awesomely.  Is that a word?  It could have sucked me in like it would have with many weaklings, but I realized after two dates that he was a total douche and told him in my sophisticated passive aggressive way to fuck off and why.  He pleaded with me like they all do, and I just reminded myself that I’m a grown woman now.  I don’t need that kind of shit in my life.  GO ME!

Then, I met HIM… the guy who really could be the one.  He really is the hottest and most stable guy I have ever dated.  He is a few years older than me, which I definitely need.  I always end up with immature guys my age or a little younger.  He has a stable well-paying career with awesome benefits and owns his own home.  I couldn’t believe that this guy was wanting to meet ME!  I have always settled, so I am not used to going after the kinds of guys that I really should.  This guy is definitely the type I should be aspiring to be with.

I never get nervous for first dates, but I was nervous for this one.  The first thing he said when I sat down at the table where we decided to have lunch is, “Sorry, I just can’t stop staring.”  He couldn’t stop staring at ME!  We hit it off right away and had plenty to talk about, which doesn’t always happen on a first date/meeting.  It was crazy to see a guy like this so in to me.  I kept thinking “why haven’t I attracted anyone like him before?”  And I realized I wasn’t ready for a real man.  I had been chasing boys and seeing what they could be rather than what they really were.  I was stuck at thinking like an 18 year old girl.

He didn’t kiss me on the first date, didn’t try anything on the second, third, or even fourth dates.  He kept saying to me, “I really don’t want to mess things up.”  That is not something I hear very often.  A couple of weeks later, he asked me to be his girlfriend, and not too long after that, he told me he loved me.  That was pretty quick, but it didn’t seem forced or anything.  I felt guilty for falling for him when I still had feelings for my ex, but I was in such a bad place that I knew I had to save myself and be a little selfish in order to heal.  He is so good at reminding me how he feels about me and making sure I know every now and then where he sees things going.  I am really not used to that, but I love it.  It has only been a month and three weeks since I met him, but I do think I see future potential!

I have recently lost my hearing, and therefore cannot work in my present position anymore, so he suggested that I break my lease and move in with him so that I can go back to freelancing.  I’m not sure if I am ready for that but I’m not sure that I’m not either!  Does that make sense?  He wants to learn sign language with my family really seems to care a lot about me.  I still feel that I have a wall up and I am being cautious.  I have 60 days before I will be moving out of my apartment, so I still have time to decide whether to move in with him or go back to my parents’.

I feel that my heart is finally starting to shift towards him.  I know it will take time for me to feel so strongly about someone again, but it is a little confusing when I feel that I miss my ex.  I feel like a horrible person, because I’m sure he would feel terrible if he ever knew how I felt.  I am determined to ride this out, though.  I need to allow my heart to move into a new place when it’s ready.  I am also determined to never lose my identity in someone, which is very hard for me to do.  I don’t know if this is normal, but I feel that I don’t always know what I want or what I like.  I wish I could be like those people who have a strong opinion about everything and can stand on why they think the way they do.  I’m like that about a few things, but the rest, I just kind of flow with the wind.  So, staying true to myself is hard sometimes, because I am so easily able to adapt to anything and anyone.  I am too easygoing sometimes that I will give on what I really want and not care, but then I’m not sure if I really didn’t care anyway.  I am also a truth seeker.  I just want the truth even if I am wrong and have to change.  But, I start to wonder if anyone has the truth about anything…

When I do stand on what I want or believe in, it’s a great feeling.  Being indecisive is so frustrating at times.  That’s one reason that I will probably never get a tattoo… I can never decide on something that will be on my body forever.  I think that is reasonable, though.  And, I think it’s good to not be impulsive.

Anyway, yes, I am taken again, and ready to see where this goes.  I am out of town for the weekend, and wondering if it is normal to not miss him yet.  We spend so much time together that it is probably good for me to get away.  Time apart makes the heart grow more fond, right?  I miss my dog more than I miss him right now, but I’ve had my baby boy for much longer!  And, it took me a good five months to become THAT attached to my puppy that all I do is think about him constantly and hope he’s okay!  Is it horrible of me to compare my boyfriend to my dog?  I’m really just trying to make a point about my heart and how long it takes to become attached.  I think that’s a good comparison.  So, if at the five month mark, I’m not really feeling strongly for this guy, then it’s probably not right.  We shall see.

To be continued…